Michael Foster:
For years, I expected my family to leave me alone for a period of “decompression” when I got home from work.
I’ve always worked in highly relational, conversation-based roles. I’d often arrive home overstimulated and disappear into my office.
My wife would want me to address a discipline issue with one of the kids or take interest in how her day went. My kids would want to tell me about their day or hit me with a thousand requests needing dad’s permission.
But I just wanted space. I was fried. “Give me a minute, guys.”
Looking back, I see that for what it was: a missed opportunity. A failure of leadership. How a man walks into his home after work says a lot about the culture he’s building.
A man doesn’t just bring home a paycheck. He brings direction and masculine leadership.
So I changed. I started treating “re-entry” as a moment to lead, and I built three habits to help me do it.
Habit #1 – I stopped listening to anything on the drive home. I use the silence to pray, collect my thoughts, and gear up to do more work—the kind that matters most. If you work from home, you might need to take a few minutes alone in your office before stepping out. Habits two and three flow from this one.
They start the moment I walk through the door.
Habit #2 – I ask my wife if there are any discipline or pastoral issues that need a father’s touch (Hebrews ). There are plenty of situations where a mother needs the father to step in. Handle those.
Once I’ve dealt with the kids, I move to—
Habit #3 – I tell my wife something about my day. She’s been with the kids all day—no adult conversation. More than that, she’s my main support in the mission I’m called to. I want her to see what she’s helping make possible by being a helpmate to me. Of course, I ask about her day, too—but I’ve found that priming the pump helps get a good back-and-forth going.
I hear a lot of pastors scolding men for not doing dishes or folding laundry.
I rarely do either.
My wife oversee our home well.
Besides, me fathering my kids and encouraging my wife does ten times more for the health of our home. My household doesn’t need a second mother. It needs a father.
These habits help me get to that work the moment I walk through the door. They’re not rules I slavishly follow. Some days, I do need a moment. Sometimes the drive home just isn’t long enough. This is more about building a culture of action.
There are other ways to do this. Find what works for you. The point is to seize every opportunity to lead your home.
And a word to the wives: reciprocate. Don’t be the sort of wife who immediately dumps all—and only—the day’s difficulties on her husband. Be ready to share the wins too. And metaphorically speaking, give him a moment to put on his house slippers. If he moves toward you, and you move toward him, you’ll create a more peaceful home.
Let this be the attitude of both husband and wife: “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4). That means the husband sets aside his fatigue to engage. And it means the wife doesn’t greet him with a flood of complaints. He moves toward her, and she moves toward him. That’s how you build peace. That’s how you build a home.
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